Your Value is not Conditional

Have you ever been embarrassed by your child’s behavior in public?

Ever felt the judgement of others watching your life play out in real time--not quite sure how to manage your own worth and value in those painful moments?

Maybe you found yourself wanting to stand up with a big sign--"I promise I am a good mom. I taught them better than this!  They didn't learn this from me!"

For years, when I was going through the really hard and dark years of parenting, I believed that my value and worth was reflected in my children's behavior.

If they were calm and appropriate, then I felt like a good and successful mom.

If they struggled, which they often did, especially in public — I felt exposed. Judged. And I felt deep shame and failure.

When my daughter got student of the week, I'd congratulate myself on how great I was doing at teaching her to be an upstanding citizen.

But when my son exploded in anger during his baseball practice in front of all the parents, I wanted to grab him and take him home and never come back.

Raising my autistic son especially stretched me in ways I didn’t understand. His behavior was often the opposite of what I thought was “appropriate,” and it was often hard to not make it mean something was inherently wrong or flawed with myself.

But here’s what made it even heavier.

I was raised in a culture — even religiously — where value felt tied to doing things “the right way.”

The right choices.

The right behavior.

The right outcomes.

The right clothes. 

So when my children didn’t fit neatly inside those expectations, when they didn't do things the right way, then I questioned their value.And then I questioned mine.  

That’s hard to admit. But it’s true.

I spent years feeling less than. 

Comparing myself to other moms who seemed to be “getting it right.”

Trying harder.

Judging myself.

Carrying shame that no one could see.

Because if I wasn't getting it right, then I must be wrong!

And since no-one told me my worth wasn’t on trial.

I put it there myself for years, until one day I finally listened to an audio book that my sister Lori had gifted me months earlier.  

It was the audio book “Men, Women and Worthiness” by Brene Brown. It was where I was first introduced to her explanation of shame and guilt and the difference between the two. I couldn’t stop listening to the Cd. I listened to it al day and into the night until I finished it. It was that good. And it literally changed my life.

And now What I know— what I teach— is this:

Your worth has nothing to do with right or wrong.

Your value is not negotiable.

Your worth is immutable.

Not tied to behavior.

Not tied to performance.

Not tied to outcomes.

Not tied to how your child shows up in the world.

You are a daughter of God!

You were born with value.

Before motherhood.

Before struggle.

Before expectations.

So, if you are a mom questioning your worth because your child’s journey looks different than you imagined…

Hear me clearly:

You are not a failed mother.

You are a woman untangling inherited beliefs.

And your value has never — not once — been up for debate.

If this resonates with you. I ‘d love to hear your thoughts. Have you ever questioned your worth because of how your child showed up in the world?